I once asked a friend after many failed attempts to reach out if I mattered to her. Her response? A simple, “No.” It was a slap in the face, but I’ve come to admire her candor. Her words stung; but she respected me enough to be honest.
Too often, I see people miss out on fulfilling relationships because the thought of offending or being harshly judged paralyzes their ability to be honest; however, relationships that thrive do so because they’re founded on honesty.
Honesty goes beyond simply not lying. It’s about disclosing vulnerable parts of yourself in order to open a door for candid conversation. This means sharing when you’ve been hurt and not backing down from confrontation.
But it’s not all about airing your grievances. Honesty also welcomes feedback that may be challenging to hear. It demands that you humble yourself. True honesty is the courage to admit when you’re in the wrong, and the sense to value another’s critiques.
Honesty presents the possibility that a relationship falters; however, it also presents an opportunity for a relationship to become more meaningful. Resilient relationships are built on a willingness to be honest and vulnerable, and to invite the same from others. Conversely, when we mask superficial relationships as genuine ones, they remain stagnant or slowly fade out.
When people fail to be honest with you, they’re sending a message; they don’t trust that the relationship will survive momentary discomfort, even if it means achieving a more fulfilling relationship with you.
Of course, there is prudence in taking time to process and in keeping some things private. Not every friendship is designed to go very deep, and that doesn’t mean there isn’t value in it. But understand that honesty is a catalyst for deep connection because it generates understanding, if not agreement.
This principle is more than just sentiment. A study conducted by the University of Rochester determined that “…even if partners in a relationship don’t perfectly understand…each other’s honesty, the simple act of expressing honesty…has a positive effect on the relationship.”
People tend to err on the side of self-protection in order to spare someone else’s feelings or to preserve their own comfort– reject this habit. Embrace honesty and the discomfort it entails, because it often means that we get to experience the richness that a deeper relationship has to offer.
Honesty isn’t always easy to practice, and it certainly doesn’t guarantee a fulfilled relationship. Regardless, let’s strive for honesty, not because it always offers us the desired outcome, but because there’s dignity in pursuing a relationship of substance. Don’t shy away from honesty and sacrifice relationships that could mean so much more.
Let’s stop wearing strained smiles and saying, “I’m fine,” when we’re not. Let’s get comfortable saying “I was wrong.” Let’s learn to say, “I disagree with you; here’s why,” with boldness.
