Newly elected president dissolves student council and declares national emergency

In a surprising turn of events, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in the 68-year history of this school, newly elected class president Joey Steelman has declared a national emergency and dissolved the student council one week after his election. He justified this in a riveting speech addressed to his supporters claiming that these actions were key to “fulfilling his duty and promises to the school.”

His campaign’s promises were to alleviate the school’s problems and to give power to the students to make change. “The cardinal responsibility of leadership is to identify the dominant contradiction at each point of the historical process and to work out a central line to resolve it,” Steelman said.

This was popular among disgruntled students unhappy with the current administration’s spending and lack of attention to problems that have been plaguing the school for years.

“We need change, and I’m hoping Steelman can do that,” said campaign supporter, sophomore Terick “Berush” Harrison said. When asked about the school building, he said, “half the rooms are so hot and muggy and the other half are freezing cold. I don’t even know what clothes to wear to school.” He added, “I feel very hopeful for what will come of this election.”

Joey Steelman ended up winning the election by a landslide. The next week, he declared a state of emergency. “In order to fix these problems once and for all, I declare that temporary emergency powers be granted to me,” Steelman said. Later, in a speech to his supporting students, Steelman said, “I am troubled to inform you that the student council has been working for the LCPS oppressors. They are contributing to the downfall of this school by sacrificing betterment of conditions of the students for personal monetary gain.” Some students were outraged with this change, saying there was no evidence to support this, but they were quickly escorted by Steelman supporters out of the auditorium where he was holding his speech.

Leading an angry mob of students who were fed up with the student council and school administration, Steelman marched up to a council meeting and dared anyone to remove him. No one did. After awkwardly standing there for a few seconds, he and the mob kicked everyone out. All members of the council were convicted of treason and were put on lunch detention for five years.

Steelman later turned the angry mob into a police force called the Ministry of School Security (MSS), and he declared himself head of the Ministry and J.R.O.T.C. All students joined happily in support of Steelman. The Ministry’s goals are to keep the school safe and to liberate those oppressed by Loudoun County Public Schools. President Steelman has stated they plan to “free the other schools from the never-ending stomping boot of LCPS.”

While current operations aren’t officially known, rumors indicate that the MSS is planning an incursion into Heritage High School, Tuscarora High School, and other schools in Loudoun County. “You cannot make a revolution with silk gloves,” Steelman said.

When questioned about his dissolution of the student council, Steelman responded, “Ah, I see you haven’t attended my victory speech. We need stability in these times of desperation. The school has been on a path towards ruin, and I am here to instead lead them on a path towards glory and peace. Democracy is no way to achieve this. Sooner will a camel pass through the eye of a needle than a great man, or woman, be found by an election. Except for me, of course.”

A day after the dissolution of the student council, protesters outside the J.R.O.T.C annex, where Steelman was holding a meeting, were arrested by the MSS. The students were sentenced to permanent in-school suspension without parole in the steam tunnels under the school building for illegally importing #1 pencils. Many had pointed out the verdict was politically motivated, and that the protesters had permission from the school administration to demonstrate peacefully. No protesters were armed. “They say you only do two days. That’s the day you go in, and the day you come out,” freshman and protester Nalexei Avalny said. “Sadly for me, it looks like I’m only doing one day.”

To increase student learning and productivity, Steelman created a series of mandatory homework and study programs. Any free time a student has is spent at the school doing homework, and no student is allowed to eat or sleep until all work is completed. Students also have been required to download an app developed by a state programmer that makes sure they are only doing school-related activities outside of campus. The app is equipped with video and audio recordings as well as a location tracking system. Any students in violation of study program policies are stripped of their weekends for four months. “We are blessed to live in such a rich yet unorganized county,” Steelman’s campaign supporter and now press secretary Terick Harrison said, “the administrators have been so busy with other matters that they haven’t stopped funding our school so we have plenty of funds to utilize for the betterment of our community.” While these new programs are intended for every student, it seems some are exempt. “Those that work tirelessly to administer our great new system need rest. We cannot function without functioning members. How could one possibly run a school when they are bombarded with work? While every student is equal, some are more equal than others,” Joey Steelman said during an interview. One of our journalists reported that those working closely with Steelman and those in the MSS police force were enjoying Lunch on the Lawn for an entire school day, despite the work mandate.

Though unwilling to attribute their names out of fear, many are unsure about what will come of this new shift in power, and how their lives will be impacted. The ten days that shook Loudoun County will be felt not only in Loudoun County High School or Loudoun County itself, but by schools around the country. “The red sun rises on Loudoun County High School today,” Steelman Said, “and it will soon rise on all schools everywhere.”