A push for school closure after zombie outbreak


Students and zombies participate in an impromptu race to lighten the dreary mood.

Parents were worried after students never came home last Wednesday, especially since earlier that day students had texted home pictures of strange military trucks outside of the school. “After the trucks broke down some of the harmful chemicals they were carrying leaked into the cafeteria food making it… arguably better, but unfortunately causing a zombie outbreak,” Assistant Principal Park Matterson said before screaming and being disconnected from the call.

In the early hours this Thursday, central office made an announcement discussing the events in detail. Parents learned about the zombie outbreak, and It was revealed that the government was locking students and staff into the school to prevent the zombie virus from spreading. The recently bitten, but somewhat coherent Bade Wyard also explained about how classes would continue.

“Education is the sole pedestal we stand on, so we have decided to continue classes and normalcy,” Wyard said, locked up in his concrete quarantine cell. “Besides we haven’t cut the pay of the teachers yet, so they’re going to have to continue teaching.”

This outbreak is one of many problems plaguing the school and it’s been causing students and teachers added stress to their life “I don’t even know if I’ll walk out of history class uninfected. It hasn’t been like that since Nam,” student Mr ‘Old Man McGee’ said.

The outbreak is causing teachers problems as well. “I’ve recently been having a lot of trouble teaching Math,” Jarod ‘Mr. Math’ Brown said. “Students can’t learn to solve oblique triangles when they’re being constantly attacked by the undead.”

No one can be blamed for this and the infected are just as annoyed as the uninfected. “Gr gr grawwww, braaaaiiiinnss, gr*w grar. Grrrrr, gra gar gar grar, g****ar!!!” The now zombified sign language teacher, Barry Deuel said.

So far there haven’t been any confirmed casualties, but the infirmary has seen an increase in students by 5000%. “Don’t put this in the article, but I’m actually really happy about this whole thing,” Patricia Pain said, “Now I can demand pay raises and the school has no choice but to accept.”

Last Monday, the new assistant principal Eustace Bobbert dealt with a unique scenario when a student’s head was bitten off by his teacher in the middle of English class. “Luckily, Ms. Pain was able to jerry-rig a device to put back the student’s head utilizing band-aids, lollipops, and soggy ice-packs so *student’s name redacted* is recovering as expected,” Bobbert said. “Hopefully we can make sure the students are more aware during class so situations like this don’t happen again.”

Insightful students have managed to make the best of a less than par scenario. “I actually like the excitement that’s been added to all my classes,” sophomore Belsan Giamporcaro said. “Before the outbreak I was barely able to keep my eyes open, but now I have to stay on my toes or I’m done for sure.” 

Other students are finding an opportunity to grow closer together. Though infected, senior Kereb Nosirrah has profound opinions on how the school community can reflect and grow from this experience, telling us, “GRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, GRAIAIAIRAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! B-b-brain.”

Students like Sophomore Quinn Holmberg are joining her cause because of how moving her speeches are. ”She is so good at public speaking. Even if I don’t agree with the stuff, like giving over half my brain to the zombies, I’m still a loyal member of the group.”

In a recent school board meeting, parents broke out in protest, demanding students to be let out and school to be canceled. “I thought I’d have to flee with my helicopter on the roof,” school board member Piffany Tolifko said.

Luckily the protesters were brought down by SWAT and police who utilized tear gas and eerily zombie-like biological weapons. “I really thought we were going to have to use far more drastic measures to control the crowd,” Police Chief Ganessa Vrigsby said.  “Luckily FBI officials showed up and gave us a new and unique biological weapon to use.”

All the parents went into a mindless state where they wandered the streets, arms extended in front of them and mouths open before becoming once more conscious a few hours later.

“I have no clue where or how that weapon was made,” Vrigsby added “It seems like it would need some sort of large-scale testing to gauge its effectiveness.”

After the disaster of a school board meeting, many teachers went on strike by boarding themselves in the downstairs teacher lounge in an attempt to force the school to shut down, but soon regretted their decision when Zombies gnawed through the ceiling material and asbestos insulation to reach the now trapped teachers. Soon after, schooling continued, and there currently isn’t a definite date as to when this will all pass over.

If you’re alive and reading this make sure to watch out for the library’s annual book drive. “We’ve really hoping this all passes over quickly because we’ve been working towards a super cool book drive and celebration for May,” School Librarian Bailey Books said, “really cheerful stuff.”