The Earth Is Flat Now And LCHS Has Opinions

Things have been shaken up around the world- especially for kids in Loudoun County High School. After the recent revelation that our Earth is in fact not round, but flat, LCHS students have now been given an additional hour long class reinforcing the information provided to them about our planet. Unfortunately for them, this includes extending their school period from 4:18 to 5:18.

“This is ridiculous! Is it even legal to keep kids in school that long about something so irrelevant?” said a non-believer LCHS parent, Sue Flay. Students have expressed mixed feelings about the new policy, some interested in the new scientific information, others skeptical.

“No it’s fine I just…didn’t think it’d be flat, is all.” exclaimed an LCHS student, Zoltan Pepper.

Along with the new class period, members of the Loudoun County Space Club have begun creating tin foil hats for the whole school. “I mean it really is just amazing what they’re doing for us. Our school community truly feels more united together,” said Principal Carol L. Ling. “Although when I wear mine, it’s been feeling more and more like I can’t take it off. Maybe I just need to get used to it!” she adds.

A local Costco has reported a 325% increase in aluminum foil sales. Students seem to find the tin foil hats as a fashion trend, and love styling them. “I love pairing my hat with some chromewear. You don’t know what that is? It’s like…metallic clothes! I’ve bought a ton to go with my hat. It’s like I can’t take it off!” Ella Vader, a LCHS student exclaimed. “It’s stuck to my head. You have to warn them. It’s stuck to my head!” I.P. Dailey had cried to our interviewer.

Although previous research clearly showed a round Earth, which led to the production of countless globes over the centuries, some students are relieved that the truth has finally been set free.

“It’s so obvious that it’s flat,” sophomore Jan Doe said as she adjusted her tin foil hat. “Like, when you look down the hallway, it’s flat. It’s straight. You can see the end. Just like the Earth.”

Of greatest relief was the collective statement from several astronauts who spent time on the International Space Station. “We thought we were seeing clear visual evidence of a round Earth,” (fake astronaut name) said. “We even thought we were using proper math to calculate our orbits around a globe. We were relieved to learn that all of those mathematical fantasies were just hallucinations, a byproduct of the lack of oxygen we experienced as we orbited–I mean, floated–high above the plane that is our home.”